today in the parking lot there was a car whose license plate read BAHA and i said “oh look, isn’t that the guy who let the dogs out?” and annie was the only other person besides me who thought it was a PERFECT AND HILARIOUS joke, which is why she is a great friend
I bought two dollar earplugs at Walgreens today out of deference to the fact that F likes to fall asleep with TV on and let me tell you they are a
today is a total pile of garbage but then without prompting a friend sent me a snapchat of her cat with the text “you are smart and good” so there’s that
after a grueling and intense admissions process, i think i have assembled the list of novels i want to work on reading. there are 52 of them, in a pretend gesture at the idea of reading one a week for a year, which isn’t actually possible because too many of them are crazy long. but as a bonus, only like 11 of them are by men! i’ll cross them off as i go.
"If the fact that I am a male is not enough to “be masculine" then, obviously to “be masculine” is performance… and for me it has always been a high-pressure performance, that has always been terribly acted. One of my first performances was after being confronted by other boys at school. As I clutch my home-made Spice Girls Trapper Keeper to my chest, these boys tell me to “man up” cause “your acting like fag or something” and I… not even fully aware of what “fag” means, tense up and take from these guys their mumbling, yet aggressive, yet inarticulate cues as to how to behave in order to avoid continued questioning and embarrassment – I take those cues and perform, the only way I know how… I look down, purse my lips, lean back and say, “Psssh, Dude, Whaaat? Dude…Fag? What?”
Whenever I actively try to “be masculine” it feels like that type of pressure again… and confusion, always wondering why; even though I have a dick, being male alone is not enough to “be masculine”.
I haven’t worked very much on my performance skills, these days I go back to what I did as a kid. I dumb myself down to bro myself up. But in doing this, I realize that 90% of the examples of responsibility, leadership, power, loyalty, safety, sacrifice and achievement in my life have been displayed by women. Many of the examples of masculinity I’ve seen in my life have been of reticence, destruction and arbitrary aggression. This is not to say that men are all destructive, they’re not, I love men, they’re great, but I place no premium on this sense of masculinity- I can be powerful without having to “be masculine.” A strong brow and a nude lip are enough for me to pay homage to those- teachers, my mom, Hillary Clinton, etc- who’ve proven with their lives that being masculine is literally just for show.”